


Just a Shove in the Right Direction

by FallOutStucky



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Best Friends, Doctor Oikawa Tooru, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, Pining, Professor Iwaizumi Hajime, like a whole lot of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-07 20:52:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11066913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallOutStucky/pseuds/FallOutStucky
Summary: His heart was slowly breaking into pieces. With every day that he couldn't have Tooru he slowly lost himself. Hajime wished he could just stay away, let his heart heal, but he was way past this point, he was an addict, he needed this pain to live.No matter what his friends thought.He was okay.He wasn´t.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this was supposed to be a funny short thing, now it´s almost 9k long and full of angst and pining... where did I go wrong??  
> Anyways, enjoy the ride!
> 
> This will have four chapters which are already written and will be up within the next two weeks. A fith bonus chapter may be uploaded eventually.

"Anyway, thanks for the help Iwa-chan", Tooru said with an honest smile. He looked tired but happy while putting his shoes back on and getting ready to leave Hajime's small but comfortable apartment.  
He nodded.

"No, problem. Really." Hajime meant it. He is always happy to help his best friend, even though he gave Tooru a lot of shit about it. Be it with late night volleyball practice back in High School, with buying a birthday present for Tooru's mother or with his job application this very evening. He seemed to have a special thing for helpless and dependent Oikawa Tooru. It may have been a bit sadistic though Hajime guessed it came from a lifetime of caring for the boy. What was that saying? Old habits die hard.

"See you tomorrow, Iwa-chan!"

Hajime shook his head, rolling his eyes fondly.

"Until then, Shittykawa." With that he shoved him out of the door and closed it behind the other man. They hadn't even arranged something for tomorrow, how could he be so sure they would meet each other the next day... well who was he kidding. Of course the other man would find some way to creep his way into Hajime's daily routine. He always did.

"You're mean!" Tooru's voice was muffled through the closed door, but loud enough for Hajime and the whole building to hear him.

"Go home, Tooru!"

"Okay."

Hajime heard his friend making one step away from the door. Then another. Stomping and being as noisy as a fucking antelope stampede or something. He sighed. Why? Why did he have to have such an idiot for a childhood friend.

"See? Iwa-chan? I'm leaving."

He could't help but laugh out loud.

"Go home!", he repeated himself. Once more he was thankful that there are only four other parties living in the same house as him and that they were all more than familiar with Tooru's antics.

Being the wiser out of the two, Hajime pushed himself off of the door and went back to the living room. He started cleaning up the mess Tooru had made and put the leftovers from their dinner into the refrigerator.

Hajime had just returned from his job at the University, just being able to change from his suit into a shirt and a pair of joggers when Tooru had banged against his door. Without even thinking twice about it, Hajime had opened the door and let a desperate Tooru in. He had spontaneously got the chance to snatch the position at the central hospital as a neurosurgeon, he'd hoped for a long time. The only condition was that he'd personaly show up there and hand in his application and resume by noon the next day. Now the problem with Tooru was that he was a brilliant scientist and doctor who knew more about the human brain than anyone else Hajime knew, but ever since, he´d been terrible at writing. Something that Hajime, who had a doctor in literature and tought the same at the local University, excelled in.

So Hajime's writing, combined with Tooru's medical knowledge and a whole lot of miso soup, fried tofu, spicy noodles and cheap wine, they'd created an application that guaranteed his best friend to get the job. Or so Hajime hoped, Toorun really deserved to have this dream job of his.

When he, at last, picked the wine bottle up, he noticed, that it still contained enough to fill a glass. Another one was stored away in his cupboard. He shot a quick glance at the kitchen clock. It was past midnight, but not too much. His above neighbour should still be awake. And Hajime didn't have work the next day anyway, so…

He quickly grabbed his favourite hoodie and the two bottles before heading out of his apartment and one floor up. The top floor was the only one not parted into two apartments but kept as one big penthouse. It was inhabited by one of Hajime's college friends, Hanamaki Takahiro and his grandpa Akegawa Udai, the owner of the building. An old, grumpy, half deaf man that technically wasn't even Hanamaki´s real grandpa but his grandfather's younger brother.

Like Hajime, Hanamaki had studied Japanese as well as Western literature, where they met during one of the introductory courses during their first semester. But unlike Hajime, he wasn't as much into studying the books, but more into writing them. Something he was actually talented in, even more so than Hajime. Enough so that he managed to make a living out of it. He wrote those sci-fi books Hajime didn't really get but Tooru adored. Especially the kinds about aliens that Hanamaki wrote. This regularly managed to turn Tooru into a total fanboy whenever the two of them spent time with Hajime's college friends.

Therefore, Hajime, who was spending almost every wake hour, if you didn´t count their working horus, with his best friend, tended to spend time alone with Hanamaki late at night when the other was still up writing or editing some drafts. He tried to tell himself over and over again, that it was because he actually liked to talk about important stuff when he met with his friends instead of screaming about some fictional extraterrestrial characters. That was definitely the cause. That. Not the fact that he always felt such a stingy heavy feeling in his gut whenever Tooru stared at Hanamaki as if the other had hung the moon or serenaded about how much he loved "Makki-chan". A feeling that definitely wasn't jealousy. Why would he be jealous? Tooru was his oldest friend, Hanamaki his second best friend from college. Shouldn't he be glad that they did get along? 

He was. Really.

Twenty flights of stairs later he knocked at the dark green apartment door.

It takes a few seconds before he hears a heavy thud on the wooden floor. Hanamaki apparently tripped over one of his endless towers of books again. The door was ripped open forcefully and a flushed Hanamaki was leaning against the door frame.

"Heyah, Iwaizumi. What's up?"

"Oi, Makki. You busy?"

Hanamaki's eyes slid from Hajime's face towards the two bottles. His grin widened.

"Very busy." With that he reaches around the doorway, grabbing his jacket and a bottle of whiskey he´d coincidentally stored there and joined Hajime in the hallway.

Together they made their way up the small staircase leading to the rooftop. The only people having a key to the terrace were Hanamaki and his grandpa, the latter using it to have his afternoon nap on the comfortable hammock there and Hanamaki himself for the occasional drinking party with his college friends and/or Hajime, Tooru and their other housemates. Mostly though, it was just like that, Hanamaki and Hajime and their drink of choice (mostly tea who were they kidding?) late at night, after Hajime had gotten rid of his annoyingly, adorably attached best friend and the other was tired of writing. They were talking about everything and nothing, it was calm and Hajime felt save.

It had been on an evening like that, that Hajime had first admitted to Hanamaki how he was feeling. How he was feeling regarding his best friend. With whom he was very much in love.

"So, Iwa. What's troubling you?", Hanamaki asked as soon as the two of them are seated comfortably in the old, used armchairs, placed around a small crate.

"Nothing. I'm just tired", Hajime insisted. It was the truth, he just wanted one evening where Tooru wasn't the last thought in his mind. Something that had been proven impossible till now, since the other man just couldn't stay away. Sometimes even going as far as staying over at Hajime's, which of course, for Tooru meant sleeping in the same bed and draping himself all over his best friend, who couldn't get any sleep at all, being busy to keep his hands and thoughts to himself.

 

Hanamaki saw right through his crap.

"I know you, Iwaaa~", he sang.

"Nothing, really." Hajime waved him of. "It's just that To… Oikawa has to hand in this application in by tomorrow and I really hope he gets the job…"

"Of course… what else would grumpy old "Iwa-chan" be worrying about than his precious Tooru-chan..."

 

"Makki", Hajime cut him off with a sharp tone. Hanamaki, immune to Hajime's threats, just chuckles, taking a sip from the wine bottle.

"That's why he was here the whole evening?"

"You heard him?"

"The whole street heard him."

Hajime sighed, fondly shaking his head. Of course.

"Speaking of which, you told him how you feel yet?",

"Ahem…"

"Hajime!"

Hajime looked everywhere but at Hanamaki and sighed. At last burying his face in his hands. If it only were that simple. There was no way in hell that Tooru would love him back. He had never been closed off with his emotions and affection, always being pretty straight forward about who he liked. Taking what he wanted, never being shy or fearing rejection. Having one girlfriend or boyfriend after another, always running to Hajime and whining about it when it was over, which it was, every time. And every time Hajime held him and comforted him and didn't act like he just heard the best news ever. So yeah, Hajime was sure: if Tooru liked him that way, he would know about it.

"He doesn't like me that way and you know it. It would only destroy everything."

"No, I wouldn't be so sure about that. I see the way he looks at you, the way he touches you oh so casually", Hanamaki tried to convince his friend.

There's no need, because Hajime knew that. But that was just the way Tooru was. He was this touchy, feely with everyone he felt comfortable with. Especially Hanamaki should know that, since he more often that not was the main subject of Tooru's affection and adoration.

"Iwa…he wouldn't push you away if you told him. I'm sure."

"I'm not", Hajime repeated. "He has a new girlfriend..."

Between scattered pieces of paper and chicken curry, Tooru had told him, that a girl he went to college with and met again at the hospital he was working at, had confessed to him the previous day and he'd agreed to try dating her. It had taken Hajime's all to not react any further than nodding and wishing them the best.

"Oh, man. Oh no...I, you okay?", Hanamaki asked, wincing slightly.

He didn't want to talk about it. It had been a shock since Tooru hadn't had a girlfriend for probably the longest time ever but Hajime was used to the feeling by now and he was a master and pushing it into the back of his head.

"Yeah...let's talk about something else, Makki. How's your new book going?"

"Oh man, it's terrible! I just have no idea on how to get the main character to…you know I should just ask Oi… Mattsun…", he tried to save himself and rambled on about plot holes and character constellation while Hajime was listening and nipping at his wine. Hanamaki managed to mention Tooru not even once.

One hour later, Akegawa Udai returned from his weekly poker evening at the small pub around the street corner. The man, being incredibly fit for his age, ripped open the door and interrupted Hanamaki's eternal monologue.

"Takahiro, did you take my binoculars?" The old man loved to watch the stars on clear nights like this. He told them about the stars and planets and everything up there. Hanamaki got his fascination with space from him and Tooru loved his stories. They may have been a bit old for that kind of activity but who cared?

"No, Grandpa. Oikawa-san borrowed them."

"What?"

"Oikawa-san. I lent them to Oikawa-san!", Hanamaki yelled back.

"Oh. Okay. Speaking of that loud boy... you tied that one down already?", the old man shouted at Hajime from the door.

"Grandpa!", Hanamaki yelled back. "Sensible topic, I told you that!"

"What? Serinuma Toya? What does he have to do with that? I thought Iwa-kun was trying to bang that Oikawa kid? The boys and I already made bet pool!"

Hanamaki's face turned even redder and it was only for that hilarious sight that Hajime doubled over laughing instead of turning the same shade. That his and Tooru's love life or lack of, was topic at Akegawa's poker table was a bit too much for him.

 

"Grandpa!" Hanamaki turned towards Hajime who was still laughing but now more because if he'd stop, he'd probably cry. He was thankful for the wine running through his system and that it was letting him be a bit less sorrowful than normal.

 

"Oh, shut it, Takahiro. Iwa-kun has to man up and make that boy his, so that that whole building can get at least one night without any sorrow!" The old man shuffled over towards them.

"Grandpa you're drunk. It's enough. Come on. I'll get you a chair."

"No. It's okay,because so are we", Hajime announced, carefully getting out of his chair, making room for Akegawa-san. Standing was more difficult than he had imagined. "I wanted to go to sleep anyway. Tooru will probably be here by noon. Till then, I have a bit of stuff done so…"

Hanamaki gave him a reassuring smile as he took the last sip of wine. They'd always been good with this. Talking without using any words.

"Good night, Iwaizumi."

" 'night Hanamaki."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, since I´m sick I was able to edit this sooner than I thought so chapter three and four will be up tomorrow and Sunday. The bonus chapter is only half written so that will take up to two weeks. In the mean time enjoy your ride on the feels train...

The house Hajime was living in was small and comfortable, the rent pretty cheap for the size and the location of the apartment. It was about half an hour to the university he was working at and fifteen minutes to the little apartment Tooru shared with his younger sister. The house accommodated five apartments in total and a small book store on the ground floor. The shop was run by a young man, around Hajime's age and his husband, both of them living on the first floor together with their two sons. The other apartment on Hajime's own floor was owned by one of his best friends and colleague and his boyfriend. The first floor was shared with Matsukawa Issei, a young man Hanamaki once brought home four years prior, only months after Hajime himself moved in. Matsukawa was working at the publishing company that Hanamki was writing for and in need of a place to stay after his older brother had thrown him out when he had gotten engaged. He had pretty fast found his place in their small, strange family and fitted in pretty well, now being one of Hajime´s closest friends.

Since Akegawa had only rented out the apartments to people whose families he knew or that stood in some relation to Hanamaki, they all became that small precious family pretty fast. And like every normal family, from time to time, there were awkward moments and things you'd rather wouldn't experience. Things like nine people being extremely obsessed with Hajime's personal life.

Tooru had actually texted Hajime the next morning before the older man did even have the chance to get out of his bed. As always, the message was filled with way too much emojis and not nearly enough information. Which usually led to ten minutes of unnecessary communication until Hajime finally had the information he needed. This time, Tooru wanted to tell him when he had his appointment with the hospital at twelve and that he would come over straight away as soon as it was over.

Hajime had thrown a quick look at his alarm clock and assessed the time. It had been nine and Tooru's appointment was at twelve. Meaning it would probably be around two at the time he arrived at Hajime's. If he hurried, he could go on his morning run and get the groceries for their evening plans before Tooru came barging into his apartment.

One and half an hour later, he was entering the grocery store two streets away from his apartment building. It was small but cheap and sold just enough stuff for Hajime to not have to drive all the way through town to a bigger one. Only ever doing so when he went to visit Tooru.

Hajime took the shopping cart and manoeuvred through the different aisles, picking up whatever he needed. That evening it wasn't just the two of them, Hajime had also invited his friend and neighbour Tsukishima and his boyfriend Kuroo over. They often had evenings like that, eating, drinking and sharing the latest news. On occasion, they'd watch a movie or even go out. This evening they'd decided to make chicken curry and play the new board game Tooru and Kuroo had bought last week when they went to the mall all together.  
Within thirty minutes Hajime had everything he needed apart from Tooru's beloved milk bread. He turned around the corner to where he knew the one pound packs were stacked. He didn't get any further though since his phone suddenly started playing some new j-pop song, Tooru had installed as his ring tone. It was cute in some way but it also hurt Hajime. Cause now, whenever he heard the fairly popular song, he thought of Tooru and thinking of Tooru usually turned Hajime's whole being inside out. It always started with a warm tingly feeling in his gut and ended with another fracture in Hajime's already fragile heart. Because every time there was a voice in his head yelling: never Hajime, you can never have him.

He shook the thought and picks up without looking at the caller id.

"Hello?"

"Yo, Iwaizumi! How you doing?", Matsukawa yelled into his end of the line and Hajime had to hold the phone away from his ear to not damage his hearing. Matsukawa was Hanamaki's best friend since high school and like his best friend, Matsukawa was also way to invested in Hajime's love life. So after yesterday's talk and hearing the other's way to cheerful greeting, Hajime could well imagine what the reason for Matsukawa's call was.

"Mattsun. Hello", he said less enthusiastically.

"Hey. You busy?" Hajime made some uncommitted sound. He already knew where the conversation was going and was already tired of it.

"Okay, listen, grumpy face. You and I both know that it can't go on like this any longer."

"I have no idea what you're talking about", Hajime said absently while he picked up a pack of the apple flavoured hard candy, Tooru recently became obsessed with. Of course this wasn't true and Matsukawa knew him long and well enough to see right through him. Then again, Hajime didn't really plan to fool him anyway.

He let out a deep sigh. "Listen, Iwaizumi, this isn't healthy and you know it. I´ve known you for over four years now, Makki even longer and ever since, we watch day for day how head over heels you are for Oikawa. We watch you suffer and we won't take it any longer. We care about you and we want you to be happy."

Hajime stopped somewhere along the way so that he was now just standing there, staring at an arrangement of breakfast cereals.

"I am happy."

"You´re not. You´re an addict and your drug of choice is Oikawa Tooru. And like every other addiction it is destroying you. Please listen to us, Iwaizumi. There has to be another way! You have more than one shot at love. And happiness."

"I don't want to stop", he admits quietly, a minute after Matsukawa had stopped talking.

"What?"

"I loved him for such a long time now, it's such a big part of me. I don't know who I am without this love."

"Why are you doing this to yourself?", Matsukawa almost whispered.

"Not every love is good, not every love is meant to be. That's just the way life is. Mattsun. Maybe I didn't deserve this, or want it and maybe I'm not meant to have a happy ending. But I'll take what I can get, do whatever I can to stay close to Tooru. And if that means one day standing next to him as he marries whoever he deems worthy, I'll take it. If that means staying with him. I'll take it."

There was nothing but silence on the other end of the line. It was a heavy, thoughtful silence. One Hajime knew from himself but not from Matsukawa.

"I'm so sorry", he eventually said.

Hajime strained himself to smile before he remembered that Mattsun can't even see him.

"It's okay. Don't feel sorry for me, I can take it. I'm used to it by now."

"Oh, I don't. I'm sorry that I brought it up. I would never pity you. You're one of the strongest people I know, Iwaizumi. You'd never give in. You'd never crumble. You wouldn't even cry. If someone can adore this, it's you."

"Thank you", Hajime said and meant it.

"I'll tell Hanamaki to get off your case. It's hard enough for you, you don't need us to meddle in. So I'm just gonna say this: be careful with your heart. As long as it's just cracked you can restore it but as soon as it breaks yiu may not have a second chance."

"I'm not sure if I want one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh, after editing this I realised that this could as well be a junjou romantica au if you take a closer look at their jobs. (Like Oikawa as Nowaki, Iwa as Hiro, Makki as Usagi and Matsukawa as Misaki?!? wtf?) apparently my subconsciousness is enough jr trash to let it creep into my writing of iwaoi fanfiction...well the more you know (about yourself)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make it cute rather than angsty this time!

He stands there a few more minutes not able to talk or move. Frozen in time and space. What he just said to Mattsun was nothing but the truth but Hajime was just now realising it himself. He would walk until the end of the world for Tooru, would die for him, suffer for him, no matter what that meant for Hajime's own well-being. And in a way, he had already done all that.

Eventually though, the years of suppressing his feelings and putting on a fake smile kicked in and he slowly became himself again. Somehow he managed to complete his shopping tour, although he almost forgot the milk bread, and ended up in front of his apartment building.

 

The three bags full with groceries were heavy as hell and Hajime should have known, that balancing them on his left leg and arm while opening the door, was a bad idea. It didn't take long and oranges started falling down and rolling over the pavement.

"Shit", Hajime cursed and tried to balance out the rest. Before  
he got a solution though, someone was pushing against the falling bag and someone else got hold of Hajime's arm and pulled him back.

"Hey, carefully, Iwa-san", a deep, soothing voice said, the smile recognizable in his voice only. The second man let out a laugh and then two small human beings ran into his legs.

"Uuuncle Iwaaa!", the five year old Yuu yelled, tugging at Hajime's jacket while his one year younger brother Shouyou jumped up and down, excited to meet his neighbour. Thankfully though, his father Daichi got a hold of the small red head and lifted him up to sit on his hip.

His husbandSuga opened the door while he took one of Hajime's bags in his free hand. Which Hajime is thankful for since Yuu instantly grabbed his free hand, determined to hold it the whole way up.

"Oh, no you…you don't have to help me", Hajime said. He just wanted to get home and sleep till Tooru came over. Sleep till he forgot his talk with Matsukawa. And maybe, if he slept long enough, forgot his feelings for his best friend. He tried to take his bags back but Yuu's hold on his hand is like a clamp and he decides to give up before even really trying.

"Of course we do", Suga assured him with a bright smile that can truly light up someone's day. It was always gentle and never forced and at times like these Hajime could see why Tooru liked to call the older man Mr. Refreshing.

Over the years, Hajime had become good friends with the young family, even though Tooru didn't trust them and had more than one conspiracy theory about them. But that came from a man who believed their maths teacher was an alien for a whole two years, so... Sometimes, Hajime would take the two little boys in for the weekend when Suga and Daichi wanted some alone time. Sometimes he would get small presents in return, like book packages and potted plants, a DVD they knew Tooru liked or a stuffed animal he could in return gift his best friend. Sometimes, Hajime thought, they just used him to bribe Tooru in order to gain his trust. Maybe that was why Tooru thought them to be some kind of secret agents...?

Anyway, Hajime loved the two energetic little boys and he loved seeing Suga and Daichi together. It reminded him of what him and Tooru could've been if things were different. It was another sadistic habit Hajime had found to break his heart. And he knew it wasn't healthy buy what could he do? He was a junkie, he was past saving.

While the parents sometimes threw worried glances at Hajime and he was sure that at least Suga knew that something was going on within Hajime, the kids couldn't yet pick up on such complex emotions.

"Uncle Iwa?", Shouyou asked curiously while they climbed up the stairs together.

"Yes, Shouyou-kun?", Hajime replied with an encouraging smile.

 

"You have a husband, right?"

Hajime almost missed a step and had to reach for Daichi's arm so he didn't fall backwards down the stairs.

"What?", he asked, blinking in confusion and shifting his gaze between Suga and Daichi. Both parents looked slightly uncomfortable and Daichi ruffled through Shouyou's hair.

"Shouyou! You don't just assume that", Suga scolded. "I'm sorry, Iwaizumi. We went to see Beauty and the Beast yesterday and since then he's obsessed with fairytales, princes and happy ever after."

"It's okay", Hajime said with a smile, waving him off. "No I don't have a husband."

Shouyou seemed slightly disappointed but soon enough his face light up again.

"But you have a prince right?"

"A prince?" The little boy's enthusiasm and curiosity managed to cheer him up a bit after his heart-to-heart talks with Hanamaki and Matsukawa.

"Oikawa-san", Yuu mumbled, barley audible. But Hajime heard. Oh did he hear. It was the last twist of the knife stuck in Hajime's heart since yesterday.

"What did you say?", Suga asked, wholeheartedly. Hajime wished he didn't but apparently he had been the only one to clearly hear him.

"Oikawa-san is his prince. He would come back for you uncle Iwa, right? He would come back if you were dying and needed to be revived by true love, would he? Because he loves you, right?"

Four pairs of eyes stared at him at the same time. Two curious ones, one concerned and one ashamed.

"I … I don't know..." Hajime didn't want to think about a magical world on which his love for Tooru was able to turn him from a beast into a prince. But the thing was, he did. He wanted to dream of a world in which he and Tooru could live this magical life, the everlasting love, the happy ever after. No matter how much it hurt. They rounded the corner and the sight of his red painted door is like a lifesaver for Hajime. An end to this talk, that was just a child's curiosity, never meant to hurt him but did anyway. He had to find an ending to it, that won't hurt the two boys as well. Thank god he was a good actor.

"I'm not sure if Tooru is my prince charming but I'll let you know if I ever find him, okay?", he asks, bending down and softly squeezing Yuu´s hand. This answer seemed to satisfy the kids as well as their dads.

He had never been this thankful to be home and without the kids. He usually adores him but right now he can't, he's had enough.

He didn't know what to do. Tooru saying that he had a girlfriend, Makki and Mattsun giving him shit for not confessing to his best friend and living a painful lie he burdened himself with. And now … now Yuu and Shouyou, who for some reason thought that Tooru was his husband, his magical prince charming, his saviour, the love of his life. Well, that was true, at least for Hajime, but Tooru didn't know that.

For a minute or two, Hajime just stood there in the middle of his apartment, the bags with groceries in hands, staring out of the window.

He shook his head heavily. He had to distract himself somehow if he wanted to meet Tooru like a normal human being, not the love sick, jealous, always hurting boy he truly was.

A pack of rice began sliding down and Hajime decided that putting away the groceries was a good start. After ten minutes, everything was in its place and Hajime still had half an hour left till Tooru would knock on his door, so he decided to take a shower, change into sweatpants and make himself comfortable with a cold soda on his small balcony afterwards.

He must have dozed of, because one minute his soda had been ice-cold and in the next one it was disgustingly warm and his neck hurt from being in the same position for to long.

He didn't know what woke him but is sure that it wasn't someone being at the door. Which meant… his heart stopped for a moment as he pulled out his phone.

15:42

Meaning that Tooru was at least an hour late.

It wouldn't be enough to write, not if something could have gone wrong. So he dealt the number he'd memorised forever.

"Oi, Trashykawa! Where are you?", Hajime asked as soon as his friend picked up the phone. The moment he heard his best friend's voice, he felt relieve washing over him.

"Huh?" Tooru´s confusion audible through the phone. "I'm at home…"

"It's almost four, why aren't you here yet? You said you'd come over straight away."

Hajime is aware of how panicky he sounded and that it's affecting Tooru as well. It was just that ever since middle school, Hajime had major anxiety when it came to Tooru not answering his phone or being late. In their first year, on an unbearably hot summer day, the two boys had wanted to meet at the local swimming pool. Hajime had arrived early and had waited for Tooru. And waited. And waited. For over two hours, in which he'd called his friend over a dozen times. When he eventually went home, he'd found out, that the other had been involved in a car accident on the way to the pool and was now lying in the hospital. His knee had been shattered, his other leg broken and his rips bruised. But the worst of all had been his head hitting on the concrete which had instantly sent him into coma.

It had also been then, that Hajime had first realised, that he thought of Oikawa Tooru as more than a friend, that he was in love with him. The moment he realised that if Tooru wouldn't wake up again, then his life would be over as well.

So yeah, pretty heavy stuff.

"Oh, Iwa-chan. Oh no, I'm so sorry." Hajime could almost see the shock on Tooru's face. "I forgot. It was so hot that I felt terrible in the suit and went home to shower and change before coming over. I'm sorry. I was just about to head out. I'll be there in twenty."

"Hey, it's okay. Don't apologise. I overreacted, I just, I …"  
… I'm scared, I can't loose you, I need you, I love you

"…panicked"

"Twenty minutes. You'll manage without me huh?" Instead of worry there was now teasing in his voice.

"Yeah, yeah. Idiot", Hajime said, now too, smiling again.


	4. Chapter 4

At point seven, it knocked at Hajime's door. Leave it to Tsukishima to be on time. Hajime chuckled at the thought of the tall man shushing his lover through the apartment, not yelling but convincing him with a calm aura of disappointment to hurry up. It worked every time, especially with Kuroo who would make everything to keep Tsukki from being disappointed in him.

"He is so funking whipped", Tooru liked to say in a quiet, amused voice and a small smile that told Hajime that deep within him, he wished for the same.

He didn't know that Hajime was the same when it came to Tooru.

The thought hurt deep in his heart but all he could do was hope that Tooru's new girlfriend too, felt this way. His previous lovers hadn't. He swallowed hard before putting on a pretend good mood and a fake smile.

"Hey! Trashykawa, could you stop lazing around and open the door?", he yelled from the kitchen where he was chopping carrots. Tooru had been laying on the couch from the moment he had entered the apartment. Planted his face right into the soft pillows and groaned. On the way over, his anxiety had caught up with him and the fear that he maybe wouldn't get the job, let him drown in self doubt. Hajime had taken one look at him, hurried to the kitchen, took the bag of apple candy a handful of milk bread and Tooru's favourite lime soda brought it all to the couch and let Tooru curl up against him and whine until it was time for Hajime to start on the food.

Of course, he didn't expect Tooru to help him with that. He never had, even when he spent Hajime company, he was usually just snacking on the already cut food and giving an entertaining comment from time to time. Therefore, he was more than thankful when Kuroo joined him a few minutes later, leaving his boyfriend to deal with Tooru's antics.

Three hours later they were sitting around Hajime's couch table, comfortably full, the new board game lying forgotten on the side table and talking about the kids. Apparently Kuroo had babysitted Shouyou and Yuu on Thursday and the two boys, that were currently talking about family trees in school, had asked him all about family relations, being extremely confused when Kuroo told them, that the other guys in the building weren't really related to them or each other.

"I mean he is right though", Kuroo said, shrugging with his broad shoulders. "We are like a family. A really weird family. For Shouyou and Yuu at least. Daichi-san and Suga are their parents, Akegawa-san is the crazy grandfather, Makki and Mattsun the cool older brothers, I'm the gay cousin, Tsukki my boyfriend and Iwa-san the grumpy uncle."

Tsukishima let out a deep sigh and shot Hajime a look that just meant: why? Hajime rolled his eyes in response.

Hajime had been friends with Tsukki even longer than with Hanamaki. The blond had been the first person he'd befriended at university and the first person other than Tooru, Hajime had opened up to. The two of them had run into each other at the library almost every Tuesday and Saturday until one evening they ended up at the same desk and started talking and discovered that they had a lot more in common than just their choice of university. They were able to talk for hours in a completely calm and rational manner. Something both of them enjoyed the most, since the other men in their life were the exact opposite of calm.

Six months into that friendship and Tsukki had introduced Hajime to his boyfriend. That was the day Hajime had known that his life had turned even worse. If Tooru alone was difficult , if he was pared up with Kuroo, they were the absolute worst. Tsukki and Hajime were glad when they could even get a single word out in their company.

That had been six years earlier. Along the way they had finished University and started working at the very same. Hajime as a professor for Japanese Literature, Kei as a paleontologist in the biology department. They had both moved into Hanamaki's house, Tsukki had for some reason, far behind Hajime's understanding, agreed to marry Kuroo Tetsuro and now Tooru had gotten himself a girlfriend…

Shit. He had almost managed to forget it. But for what good? Hajime wanted Tooru, always had and would never stop. But he could never have. That the other had gotten a girlfriend was just one more point of proof for that.

"Hey! What about me?", Tooru protested.

This time it was Hajime's turn to look at Tsukishima in agony.

"You, my dear friend are obviously the grumpy uncle's annoying husband", Kuroo said, throwing his right around Tsukki's shoulders and suggestively grinning at Tooru.

The taller man instantly choked on his drink and began coughing, causing Hajime to instinctively lean over and rub his back in a soothing manner.

Hajime felt the blood shooting to his own cheeks and tried to cover up his blush by hiding his face behind his free hand. Not very successful, judging by Tsukki's raised eyebrows and the look that had always told him that the blond was having none of his shit. As embarrassing as the thing had been, it has told Hajime that he really could trust his friend if Tsukishima hadn't even told his fiancé about the hidden feelings Hajime harboured for his best friend. Because even though Kuroo was kind of an idiot from time to time, there was one thing he wasn't: a thoughtless jerk. More like the opposite. If you wanted to win over and even marry Tsukishima Kei, you had to be extremely considerate and thoughtful. He would never say something like that if he'd known about Hajime's feelings. He was a to good person and Hajime a to good friend for that.

"Iwaizumi doesn't even like men!", Tooru exclaimed at the same time as Hajime said: "Tooru has a girlfriend."

What?

Hajime turned to stare at Tooru. Tsukki and Kuroo stared at Tooru. Tooru's stare switched confused between them.

"You have a girlfriend?", Kuroo eventually asked. Tooru blinked and focused on the other male. He nodded, slowly and uncertain as if he didn't really know whether he had a girlfriend or not.

Hajime didn't spend any more attention on them, he was to caught up with the fact, that Tooru, after a twenty-five year old friendship still hadn't caught up on Hajime's sexuality and, so much worse had called him Iwaizumi instead of Iwa-chan. Coming from Tooru his name had always only been used when the other was deeply hurt, angry or incredibly upset. Right now Hajime couldn't really figure out which one the case was. He only knew that he had to set one thing straight.

"Why would you ever assume I was straight?", Hajime asked quizzically.

"Y…you're not?", Tooru asked and there was hurt and unshed tears sparkling in his deep brown eyes. Hajime winced. Shit. He slowly shook his head.

"No...I never even had the slightest interest in women."

"Since…since when?", Tooru whispered, eyes fixed on something on the carpet.

"Since … always?"

There have been many, countless moments when Hajime had acted completely different from what one would think of as straight. Flirted and danced with men at the club, in Tooru's presence, commented on how attractive a certain actor was and many other things. All those could have been interpreted as something different though. But there was one little thing that even Tooru wouldn't be able to deny...

"What about Masami?"

"Your ex-girlfriend?"

Oh. Well that explained things. Tooru had never met Masami and when Hajime had nervous as hell and almost at the verge of tears told him about dating him, Tooru must have naturally thought, that he was talking about a girl. Thinking that Hajime was just nervous about having a significant other in general not about them being a boy.

"No…my ex-boyfriend..."

"Oh." Tooru looked down on his clenched hands, not daring to even as much as glance at Hajime.

Hanazuka Masami was a boy two years younger than Hajime with dark locks and broad shoulders, he had a little tooth gap, that showed when he smiled, which he often did and was studying history at the same university as Hajime. They met when Masami joined the creative writing club, Hajime attended for Hanamaki's sake, in his first year. They had hit it off right away and soon Hajime found that he felt a kind of tingle in his stomach that he hasn't felt with anyone but Tooru. When Masami had eventually confessed to Hajime a few days before Christmas, Hajime had accepted. All that he'd told Tooru but the other man apparently hadn't realised that the mentioned Masami-san was a boy, not a girl. Something that even though it hurt Hajime, didn't really surprise him. The thing he hadn't told his best friend was that Masami had been his last and only shot at happiness, a helpless try to have a future with someone else than Tooru. It had been nice, being with Masami and in some way, Hajime had loved him. But not right, not enough. Masami had never been able to make him forget Tooru. It had only lasted for eight months. Then Masami had broken up with him, realising where his real affection lay. That had been three years ago. After that he´d tried to drown his feelings in meaningless one-night stands and allowing Kuroo to take him to a lot of parties where he made out with a lot of men. After a while though, he noticed that it made him suffer even more and he stopped. From there on he resented to leading a pretty boring live, without any romantic encounters, just being content with working and pining after Tooru.

"Yeah…I'm pretty sure that half the soccer team at our uni could hold against this but okay…", Tsukki said with raised eyebrows and a smirk. "You're his best friend since like forever…how could you not know?"

"I don't know. Iwaizumi. How could I?"

Shit. Twice within five minutes. This was bad. Really bad. The last time Tooru had called him Iwaizumi instead of Iwa-chan twice at the same day had been eight years ago at the end of their third year when Hajime had told him that he would attend a different university than Tooru. It had ended in a lot of tears and two broken hearts. In the end, it hadn't turned out that bad. Their hearts had healed and they had found an apartment they could share, exactly in the middle between their universities. Only parting ways when Hajime had to study one semester abroad and Tooru had to share the rent with his sister. After that Hajime had taken up on Hanamaki's offer. They still managed to see each other every day. No distance was wide enough. Nothing could ever stand between them. So this issue too, wouldn't. Right?

But before that, there was a storm coming. He knew it by the way Tooru's shoulders tensed and he closed his eyes to collect himself before storming into the kitchen. And judging by Tsukki's worried look and the way he subtly motioned for Kuroo to get up, indicated that he wasn't the only one sensing that.

Hajime gave his friends a short nod and earned one concerned and one confused look before they left the apartment and Hajime followed Tooru into the kitchen.

"Would you please not run away from me?", he tried not to yell and fight his panic at the same time.

"I'm not running away. I just needed some space."

Hajime let out a strained, sarcastic laugh. "You? Space? Yeah, right."

"What's your problem?" Unlike Hajime, Tooru wasn't afraid to yell. "Oh right, your problem is, that you don't trust your best friend for twenty-seven years, for your entire fucking life, enough to tell him that you're gay?"

"I have told you! It's not my fault that you automatically assume that Masami is a girl."

"But it's your fault that you couldn't right out say: Hey, Tooru, I'm gay and also this is my boyfriend, Masami. Is that too much to ask?"

No. Not really, but again, Hajime wasn't guilty of the fact that Tooru understood him wrong.

"I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to say. Apparently not that since all it did was make Tooru even angrier.

"I don't need sorry! What for?"

"Why are you so angry?" In the end Hajime does shout.

"Because it was my last piece of string. The one thing that I held onto, to not loose it completely", Tooru yelled back.

"What?", Hajime asked, whispered. Tooru didn't hear him, didn't even look at him. He seemed like a maniac, talking to himself mostly. He must have had realised something and was now trying to make sense out of it. He was panicking , pushing himself off the counter and brushing past Hajime as he ran back into the living room.

"But this means…it really is just me…", he muttered.

"What is just you?", Hajime whispered as he followed. He was feeling cold and hot at once, his head was roaring and his chest hurt. He had never felt like this before. This terrified.

 

"Me. You just won't love me", Tooru yelled even louder and more desperate before freezing on the spot, looking at Hajime in complete shock. He threw his hands up, pressing them over his mouth.

The alarms in Hajime's head began to scream what they have screamed so, so often in the last twelve years.

"You have girlfriend."

"What?", this seemed to bring him back to reality. "No. That was a lie. It was always a lie!"

"What?" Hajime's whole being shut closed and felt like he's drowning. Tons and tons of water crashing down over him. He wasn't able to utter more than that one word as his whole systems fought against the teeny tiny spark of hope beginning to grow in his heart, the part of it that's still thirteen years old and full of excitement and hope that maybe he's allowed to have a happy end with his best friend. But the rest, the adult, resolute part of Hajime is now, after fourteen years stronger and needed Tooru to spell things out properly. Which he of course promptly did.

"You need me to say it? You're that sadistic?" Tears were slowly trickling down Tooru's cheeks. Small and painful. "I never thought you´d be this cruel…but fine. If you need me to say it, I'll say it. All this time, I've been in love with you. I don't think there ever was a time I wasn't. But I realised it back in middle school, first year, when we lost our first game and I couldn't stop crying and you stayed awake with me the whole night, watching Star Trek reruns which I know you hate. You fell asleep in my lap and there in the middle of the night, the moon shining through the open window it all seemed so clear then... when I first realised how much you meant to me. But I…I figured you'd never like me back and I threw myself from one unhealthy relationship into the next. I hoped that one of them would clear me of you, could give me a happy life but all it did was drive me even closer to you. Every time you bought me milk bread when I was sad, every time you let me fall asleep in your arms after I cried and every time you put up with my terrible self, I fell a little bit more in love with you. There's no Hijori-chan I know from college. Hijori is the name of a little girl we're treating in the hospital. I just wanted to make you jealous, to see your reaction. Because I am that masochistic. And you did nothing you just wished me luck. There's never been a girlfriend, there's always only been you. I'll only ever love you Iwa-chan,okay? There! I said it! Are you now satisfied?"

The water was gone. Hajime was flying, high above the clouds where there's never any rain, never any sadness. Only the sun and the hope for tomorrow. It felt as if a gigantic weight had been lifted off his chest and he was finally allowed to breathe again.

"I…I love you too", he finally whispered and he never thought he would feel so much relief at voicing those words out loud.

"What?", was it now Tooru's turn to say. When Hajime finally looked up, the other's eyes were wide and glowing and in then Hajime saw the same feelings he had uried within himself for so long.

"You're wrong. I love you too." He was smiling so bride now that he thinks his cheeks are gonna burst. But there was one small problem. Tooru wasn't. On the contrary. He looked like the world was about to end. He took a step towards Hajime and took hold of his hand.

"I don't believe you…you're just saying that so my heart won't break even more. I know you, Iwa-chan. You are that dumb." His voice sounded weak and broken, like a man who had lost everything. Hajime had to change that. He was brave now, his heart was beating as a whole again, he could do it.

"I love you, Tooru. Ever have and ever will. My love and desire for you is eating me alive every day. I die a little every second I'm not with you. And now, that I know that you feel the same, I don't plan on ever letting you go again."

The tears were now unstoppable running down Tooru's cheeks, like someone had opened the gates and made room for all the emotions to flood out at once.

"Are you sure? Iwa-chan." His grip on Hajime's hand turned almost painful, but he wanted it, welcomed this pain, because it meant that another much worse pain could finally stop.

Tooru's words were broken sobs more than a coherent sentence but Hajime didn't care.

"Please. Don't just…for my sake, I need…I need…"

Hajime untangled Tooru's clawing fingers from his hand and for a moment there's a flash of panic in his watery brown eyes but before Tooru can get the wrong idea of rejection Hajime moved forward and wrapped himself around Tooru.

"I need you", he whispered into the soft brown hair and pressed a kiss to Tooru's scalp. He shivered and continues to cry even harder, wetting Hajime's shirt with his tears. Funny enough, the taller man fitted perfectly into the embrace. Hajime had never before felt this good.

 

"I'm not easy", he murmured. His voice muffled by the soaked shirt.

"No. You're terrible."

Another wave of heavy sobs shook them both. "Then how…? How can you want me?"

Hajime grinned. "Because I don't want easy, I don't need it. I want god damn difficult, I want the ups and downs, the laughter and the tears I want the good and bad. I want everything that comes with loving you and being loved by you. Do you understand that?"

"I… Why…?", Tooru whimpered and Hajime lost it. He didn't know what else to do, so he just grabbed Tooru's shirt, pulled him close...

…and kissed him.

He meant for it to be gentle, reassuring, calming. Instead, it was hard and fast, filled with love and desire. Filled with years of wanting and not getting. And Tooru returned it just the same. He took every last bit of breath that Hajime had left in his lungs with his skilful lips and tongue. It's too much and not enough at the same time.

"Do you understand that?", he panted when they parted.

"Yes", Tooru breathed out and closed his eyes in a bliss. The tears were still running but now they are silent and he is smiling. Hajime just holds him.

"Hajime? Can I kiss you again?", Tooru whispers eventually. And right there, Hajime made a decision. He was totally fine with never being called Iwa-chan again, if Tooru continued to say his first name like this.

"Tooru… of course you can...as long and whenever you want to."

"Forever?"

Hajime took that gorgeous face in his hands and leaned their foreheads together. Tooru smiled, more wide and bride, more honest than Hajime had ever seen it on him. A smile so happy and filled with love that Hajime felt his own eyes fill with tears.

He leaned in and barely millimeters before their lips touched, he whispered.

"That's the plan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was that. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :)
> 
> Kudos and Comments are highly appreciated.


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